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Hetalia World Cup

Day 0
Draw a Ball, There's The Cup

Picture a grand hall with vaulted ceilings and this bigass telescreen from stage to ceiling. Germany likes to impress when he has company over. And boy does he have company over! Although the hall could fit a huge crowd, only a select few are present. In particular, there are thirty-two anxious nations sitting in front of the stage, which is pretty empty other than the aforementioned bigass telescreen. There is a podium, a small table and a conspicuous black bowl atop it.

Surrounding them are assorted media folk- photographers, video cameras and guys with notebooks surgically attached to their hands. Behind the madness is a TV desk. Sitting at the desk are either two world-renowned announcers... or the only countries left that were remotely qualified for the job.

The journey to world conquest begins here! It's the only event where one nation can dominate so decisively, so visibly and so awesomely that everybody sees it, yet can only nod in deference. This is the first ever Hetalia World Cup!

This would be the part where you see an awesome action montage, culminating with a sweet graphic flying in and covering everyone's faces. Too bad, because it's back to our host.

G'day everybody! Australia here welcoming you to the first step in the Hetalia World Cup- the group draw. As you can see behind me, 32 of your favorite countries are here to compete for the honor of being called world champion. As a former player in the FIFA World Cup, I'll be here to cover all the action. I'd be scrapping it up in there too, but the organizers said I didn't have what they called 'established canon.'
Guess that's where I come in.
Righto, mate. This is my partner and commentator extraordinaire, Cuba. You've got that 'established canon.' Why'd you miss out?
Because I hate this game. Can we play baseball?
Like I said, commentator extraordinaire! This man knows his soccer!
Fútbol. I only know one country that calls it soccer, and don't get me started on him.

While they're on the topic, a word about the selection criteria: there were two requirements to being selected for the Hetalia World Cup. One is that they needed to be represented in the game I'm using to simulate this tournament, FIFA World Cup '06. It's incredibly thorough about including all of Europe, but Cuba, Taiwan and Seychelles were excluded. The second criteria is that they needed to have at least some established canon beyond artwork. This leaves out Vietnam and poor Australia, who actually did fairly well in the real event.

Which gets us into the meat of this project... once the countries are picked, I have no control over what actually happens. The grouping is assigned randomly, per the process covered below. The fixtures are scheduled according to the real 2006 tournament and matches are simulated through the video game. So it will make for some unique and hopefully creative situations between the assorted characters.

Germany steps up to the stage and behind the podium, looking gruff and harsh as ever.

Anyway, no sense dawdling as tournament host Germany takes the stage!
Welcome one and all to the Hetalia World Cup! In this event, we put aside our differences to unite in one grand spectacle. Through sport, our conflicts are resolved-
Hey, Germany! Germany!
*lowers voice* I'm making a speech. What is it?
Nobody wants to hear your boring speech! We want to pick our balls and start playing.
I'm trying to explain the idea behind the tournament so people understand-
Italy's right. Less blah, more ball!
  Similar murmurs echo through the room. Germany isn't winning this one.
Why are you two so anxious? The top seeds already did their draw.

That's right, there are no balls to pick for Italy and Spain. The bigass telescreen clicks on, revealing the eight groups, each with room for four names. One name is already on each. Germany is boisterous again as he explains.

As you can see, the eight highest-ranked teams that appeared at the 2006 World Cup Finals have already been seeded into the eight groups. They are...

Germany reads off the top seed in each group, listed here:

Group A

Germany
Group B

Holland
Group C

England
Group D

Spain
Group E

France
Group F

Italy
Group G

Sweden
Group H

America

With the exception of Germany (hosts traditionally get Group A), these were randomly assigned. Of course, as there's nobody else in them yet, there is minimal dramatic impact so we gloss over them. The rankings used are from the game itself. Long story short: these are the teams to beat!

In the seats, Canada looks puzzled.

Um... America? I thought you hated soccer.
I do! I think it's for wimps!
Then how come you're one of the top eight?
Because I'm AMERICA! I top everything!

With the seeded teams assigned, the next task is to give them some opponents.

For the next pot, eight balls labeled A-H are inside. First, the five remaining teams that were in the 2006 Finals will draw. We will begin with Poland!
Why me first?
You're ranked highest.
Hey, good reason. Here goes!

Poland hops on stage and heads for the large black pot next to Germany. There's a cover over the opening preventing him from seeing what he's drawing. Although this is supposed to be big and dramatic, Poland reaches in and pulls out a ball without much flair and hands it to Germany.

G.
*announcing* Poland is in Group G!

The crowd applauds. Poland hears a loud "bing" from behind. His name flashes on the bigass telescreen under Sweden.

Like, whoa...

One day it may dawn on Poland that this is a big production. Probably when he's playing Sweden in a giant Stuttgart stadium filled to capacity. But that won't be for a while. As he walks off, Australia and Cuba attempt to put this all into context.

So the first draw of the night places Poland in Group G with Sweden and two opponents to be named later. Thoughts so far?
*bored* This is almost as exciting as... well, watching fútbol.
You got that right! The draw stage is full of tension as teams learn their futures. Some are blessed with favorable opponents and an easy ticket to the knockout stage, and some end up in the Group of Death.
That's not what I meant.

Perhaps a rundown of the tournament format will help justify Australia's enthusiasm. Then again, maybe it won't, but at least it'll explain things for those unfamiliar with how this works. The 32 teams are divided into 8 groups. Every team plays the other three teams in the group once, earning 3 points for a win, 1 point for a draw and 0 points for a loss. After this "group stage," the two teams in each group with the most points advance to the "knockout stage." It's single elimination from then on as the sixteen teams are whittled down to one champion. So a lot hinges on who is in a group since only two will survive it. Having this second pot for the remaining teams that qualified keeps things a little more fair and makes sure each group has at least two good teams.

The next victim is Japan. He quietly steps onstage for his draw.

Japan's the next to draw. He's getting better and better, even though he ran into a brick wall in the 2006 Cup.
Uh... says here he was up against you.
Heh heh. Told you I can scrap it up with these guys. It also shows how important these draws are, in case you're put up against someone like me.
Also says here you needed a last-second comeback. Japan was in control for most of the game.
Well... hey, he's picking!

Japan silently reaches into the pot, draws a ball and silently hands it to Germany. Germany looks at it and calls out Group B.

Japan draws Group B, putting him up against Holland, one of the tournament favorites.
Holland has the highest rank of everyone here. Other than the host, he's probably the last guy you want to get teamed up with.
Yeah, Holland's reached the knockout stage in each of the last six World Cups he's qualified for. Hope Japan has better luck with the other two teams in Group B.
Switzerland's next.
Ah yes, Switzerland. Didn't allow a single goal in 2006.
Wait... then how'd he get beat?
Penalty kicks in the first knockout round.
...I hate this game.

Switzerland's not sociable enough for this sort of thing. He glares at everybody staring back at him, grabs a ball from the pot and hands it to Germany, heading back to his seat before hearing his assignment to Group F. The crowd cheers, surprising him.

What?! What's that mean?
Hi, Switzerland! We get to beat each other up!
Aw, dammit. How'd I get stuck with you?
You grabbed my ball.
Don't phrase it like that!!
Next- Ukraine!

She is a little bashful about holding such a high rank, but Ukraine steps up on stage, leans in and reaches for a ball.

It's um... H.
Group H for Ukraine. She'll be up with America.
Well, I know who I'm cheering for.
She may not look like it, but she's surprisingly good. She bounced over a lot of people to get ranked this high and reached the final eight in 2006.
Bounced, huh? I hear that's how she rolls.
*pleased* Gonna be that way, huh? It's going to be fun working with ya, Cub'.
It won't be if you keep calling me Cub'.

The final 2006 World Cup participant in the building... Korea! He runs onstage.

All right! Who do I get to beat this time?!
Hey, is Korea that big a threat?
Well... it's hard to say. He's ranked worst out of all the teams that were in the 2006 tournament... and seven that weren't. You'd think he'd be the one from this pool everybody wants to be matched up with.
But?
Well, he finished fourth overall in 2002 and gave France absolute hell in 2006. I wouldn't want to be stuck with him.
Group C! I look forward to beating you, Mr. England!
*slapping forehead* Oh, bloody hell.
The final three in the pool are the highest-ranked nations that did not qualify for the 2006 tournament. We begin with Denmark!

Denmark is excited as he rushes onto the stage, grins at the crowd and pulls out a ball.

Well, here goes. Denmark may not have qualified, but he's almost as skilled as the top seeds. Nobody in their right mind would want to have him in their group! Who's the unlucky one tonight?
Group E!
It'll be France! He's up there with Holland as one of the top teams, but this will make the road to victory that much harder for him. Can't imagine what's going through his head.
*blows Denmark a kiss*
...uh, right.
Funny, that's exactly how I imagined France reacting.
Anyway, next up will be Turkey.

With his mask on, of course, Turkey leaps onto the stage without using the stairs and smiles at the crowd. He reaches into the pot and holds his arm in there for quite a long time (especially considering there are only two balls left). Finally he pulls one out.

It's Group D!
Group D it is for Turkey, matching him up against Spain. He can be about as scary as Denmark when he's on his game. Should be fun.

In fact, Turkey and Spain are already eying each other and pointing, both with eager smiles on their faces. They just want to play, and if exaggerating a rivalry makes it more fun, they're down with that.

It's definitely shaping up to be the liveliest group so far. Should be fun.
And with one ball left, the final team in the pool... Greece. Can someone wake him up?
Oh uh... hey Germany? You're up there already. You can pick for me. There's only one left anyway, right?
Yes, but...
Thanks.
*relents and hesitantly draws from the pot* Greece draws Group A.
Aw, you stuck me with Germany. Why'd you do that?

Germany shakes his head and returns the balls to the pool, adding another set in the process. During this brief intermission, Australia and Cuba kill time.

So what are we supposed to make of this so far?
It's hard to say at this point. A couple of 'em got off with a pretty lucky draw, like Ukraine. She'd have a lot more trouble against Holland or England than she would against America. Meanwhile, France vs. Denmark and Spain vs. Turkey should be a doozy.
Suppose a lot of it hinges on the last sixteen coming up.
Oh, you got that right. Even though they're technically the underdogs, a lot of them can still cause havoc in the groups. Don't be surprised if a few of them advance. Point is, this is where things get testy.
For the final pot, the sixteen remaining countries will draw in alphabetical order, starting with Austria.
And here's a prime example. Austria isn't as strong athletically as the other European powers, but he spars well with them anyway. He's not one to give up easily, that's for sure.

Austria reaches into the now crowded bowl and retrieves a ball, stoically handing it to Germany.

Austria is in Group C!
Group C for Austria, matching him up with England and Korea!
You said Korea was ranked pretty low for a Cup qualifier. Where's Austria fit into that?
Austria's just a smidge below Korea in the rankings, so that group will be fun to watch. He doesn't look the part, but you can't take him lightly. One slip-up and he'll catch it and capitalize.
Belarus!
Germany's not wasting any time. Belarus is the next to draw.

She ambles up slowly, glaring at the crowd. When Lithuania makes the mistake of cheering her on, she points her knife at him.

Hey, Australia... is that a knife?
Yes, that is definitely a knife, Cuba. And no, I don't have a bigger one stashed somewhere. Hope she doesn't pull that out during one of her games.
Yeah, this isn't Australian football.
'Atsa good idea. I'm always looking for ways to make it even more violent. Anyway, she's drawing.

Belarus draws with her free hand and hands the ball to a very nervous Germany.

Put me with Brother.
Um... *reads ball* Group H!
  This causes a hush, followed by a large cheer from the seats. Belarus instinctively starts jabbing air with her knife.
Wow! Time will tell if she actually ends up with Russia, but for now, she's a threat to her other sibling Ukraine and Russia's rival America!
Now I'm hoping she brings her knife to the game. She does have a way about her, I'll give her that much. Good looking too.
She's not one of the stronger players, but don't say that to her face. You know you won't be able to let up against her.
Next on the list is Belgium. And she is one of the strongest in the general pool, so everyone's hoping she doesn't end up with them.

Belgium strolls up confidently and draws a ball. She glances at it, then cheats and turns around to see who she's in. She is elated.

Group B... oh, yes!
No way!
*taking the ball* Group B for Belgium!
Two sibling rivalries in a row as Belgium is drawn in with her brother Holland!
Not too many of these guys would want to be matched up with Holland, but you know Belgium's itching for the chance to take him down a notch.
Oy, I'd hate to be the fourth team in that group!

Everyone's excited about the Holland/Belgium development. Belgium is grinning at him and pointing, while he stares back undeterred. It's all so captivating that nobody notices the next country drawing. Which isn't unusual for him.

Excuse me... I'm going to draw now.
Well, I suppose we need to get moving along. Canada's up next. The place is just buzzing right now after Belarus and Belgium's draw. What are the odds that Canada will pick Group H and end up playing his brother, America?

A good point. The place quiets to a hush as Canada draws. All eyes are on him. The sibling trifecta is in play!

...or not. Canada is saddened by his pick.

I'm in Group B too.

Yes, Canada is also with Holland and Belgium. Everybody murmurs in disappointment about how that's a waste of a good space and how good the group could have been. Canada slumps his shoulders and returns to his seat.


Running through all of the remaining twelve nations would take forever, so we skip ahead to the end.

Down to the last country on the roster and it'll be Russia who draws the final ball.

Russia steps up. Everybody is still paying attention somehow.

It's actually a good thing that Russia's up there last. Normally, this would be pretty dull as only one ball's left. For most countries, ending in Group A with Germany, Greece and Hungary would be a foregone conclusion. But this is Russia we're talking about, so everyone's pretty anxious, just in case he pulls out a ball with a Q on it or something.

He draws. Thankfully, it has an A. He happily hands it to Germany and returns to his seat. Everyone sighs in relief.

Group A it is! Russia's got some real strength in him, and Hungary's a worthy underdog. This could be our Group of Death.
It's got Russia in it. Is there any doubt?
True. Let's take a look at the final groups.

Here they are, all 32 participants separated into the 8 groups:

Group A
GermanyGreece
HungaryRussia
Group B
HollandJapan
BelgiumCanada
Group C
EnglandKorea
AustriaNorway
Group D
SpainTurkey
LatviaLithuania
Group E
FranceDenmark
FinlandHong Kong
Group F
ItalySwitzerland
EgyptEstonia
Group G
SwedenPoland
IcelandLiechtenstein
Group H
AmericaUkraine
BelarusChina

 

There you have it. As you can see, we've got a lot of soccer to play in the coming month. Who will win the Hetalia World Cup? Get ready for opening night, as Germany takes on Hungary and Greece faces Russia! For Cuba, this is Australia saying see ya there!

The posting schedule may be a little sporadic based on my schedule, but I'll try to have a chapter posted every few days. Questions, comments and death threats may be sent to arpulver@yahoo.com.

To Be Continued!

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