Day 0
Draw a Ball, There's The Cup
Picture a grand hall with
vaulted ceilings and this bigass telescreen from stage to
ceiling. Germany likes to impress when he has company over. And
boy does he have company over! Although the hall could fit a
huge crowd, only a select few are present. In particular, there are
thirty-two anxious nations sitting in front of the stage, which
is pretty empty other than the aforementioned bigass telescreen.
There is a podium, a small table and a conspicuous black bowl
atop it.
Surrounding them are assorted media folk-
photographers, video cameras and guys with notebooks surgically attached to
their hands. Behind the madness is a TV desk. Sitting at the desk are either two
world-renowned announcers... or the only countries left that were remotely
qualified for the job.
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The journey to world conquest begins here! It's the only
event where one nation can dominate so decisively, so
visibly and so awesomely that everybody sees it, yet can
only nod in deference. This is the first ever Hetalia
World Cup! |
This would be the
part where you see an awesome action montage, culminating with a
sweet graphic flying in and covering everyone's faces. Too bad, because it's back to our host.
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G'day everybody! Australia here welcoming you to
the first step in the Hetalia World Cup- the group draw.
As you can see behind me, 32 of your favorite countries
are here to compete for the honor of being called world
champion. As a former player in the FIFA World Cup,
I'll be here to cover all the action. I'd be scrapping
it up in there too, but the organizers said I didn't
have what they called 'established canon.' |
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Guess that's where I come in. |
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Righto, mate. This is my partner and commentator
extraordinaire, Cuba. You've got that 'established
canon.' Why'd you miss out? |
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Because I hate this game. Can we play baseball? |
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Like I said, commentator extraordinaire! This man knows
his soccer! |
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Fútbol. I only know one country that calls it soccer,
and don't get me started on him. |
While they're on
the topic, a word about the selection criteria: there were two
requirements to being selected for the Hetalia World Cup. One is
that they needed to be represented in the game I'm using to simulate
this tournament, FIFA World Cup '06. It's incredibly thorough
about including all of Europe, but Cuba, Taiwan and Seychelles were
excluded. The second criteria is that they needed to have at least
some established canon beyond artwork. This leaves out Vietnam and
poor Australia, who actually did fairly well in the real event.
Which gets us
into the meat of this project... once the countries are picked, I
have no control over what actually happens. The grouping is assigned
randomly, per the process covered below. The fixtures are scheduled
according to the real 2006 tournament and matches are simulated
through the video game. So it will make for some unique and
hopefully creative situations between the assorted characters.
Germany steps up to
the stage and behind the podium, looking gruff and harsh as ever.
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Anyway, no sense dawdling as tournament host Germany
takes the stage! |
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Welcome one and all to the Hetalia World Cup! In this
event, we put aside our differences to unite in one
grand spectacle. Through sport, our conflicts are
resolved- |
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Hey, Germany! Germany! |
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*lowers voice* I'm making a speech. What is it? |
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Nobody wants to hear your boring speech! We want to pick
our balls and start playing. |
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I'm trying to explain the idea behind the tournament so
people understand- |
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Italy's right. Less blah, more ball! |
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Similar murmurs echo through the room. Germany isn't
winning this one. |
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Why are you two so anxious? The top seeds
already did their draw. |
That's right, there are no balls to
pick for Italy and Spain. The bigass telescreen clicks on, revealing
the eight groups, each with room for four names. One name is already
on each. Germany is boisterous again as he explains.
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As you can see, the eight highest-ranked teams that
appeared at the 2006 World Cup Finals have already been
seeded into the eight groups. They are... |
Germany reads off the top seed in
each group, listed here:
Group A
Germany |
Group B
Holland |
Group C
England |
Group D
Spain |
Group E
France |
Group F
Italy |
Group G
Sweden |
Group H
America |
With the exception of Germany
(hosts traditionally get Group A), these were randomly assigned. Of
course, as there's nobody else in them yet, there is minimal
dramatic impact so we gloss over them. The rankings used are from
the game itself. Long story short: these are the teams to beat!
In the seats, Canada looks puzzled.
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Um... America? I thought you hated soccer. |
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I do! I think it's for wimps! |
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Then how come you're one of the top eight? |
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Because I'm AMERICA! I top everything! |
With the seeded teams assigned,
the next task is to give them some opponents.
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For the next pot, eight balls labeled A-H are inside.
First, the five remaining teams that were in the 2006
Finals will draw. We will begin with Poland! |
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Why me first? |
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You're ranked highest. |
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Hey, good reason. Here goes! |
Poland hops on stage and heads for the large black
pot next to Germany. There's a cover over the opening preventing him
from seeing what he's drawing. Although this is supposed to be big
and dramatic, Poland reaches in and pulls out a ball without much
flair and hands it to Germany.
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G. |
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*announcing*
Poland is in Group G! |
The crowd applauds. Poland hears a loud "bing"
from behind. His name flashes on the bigass telescreen under Sweden.
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Like, whoa... |
One day it may dawn on Poland that this is a big
production. Probably when he's playing Sweden in a giant Stuttgart
stadium filled to capacity. But that won't be for a while. As he
walks off, Australia and Cuba attempt to put this all into context.
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So the first
draw of the night places Poland in Group G with Sweden
and two opponents to be named later. Thoughts so far? |
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*bored* This is
almost as exciting as... well, watching
fútbol. |
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You got that right! The draw
stage is full of tension as teams learn their futures.
Some are blessed with favorable opponents and an easy
ticket to the knockout stage, and some end up in the
Group of Death. |
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That's not what I meant. |
Perhaps a rundown of the tournament format will
help justify Australia's enthusiasm. Then again, maybe it won't, but
at least it'll explain things for those unfamiliar with how this
works. The 32 teams are divided into 8 groups. Every team plays the
other three teams in the group once, earning 3 points for a win, 1
point for a draw and 0 points for a loss. After this "group stage,"
the two teams in each group with the most points advance to the
"knockout stage." It's single elimination from then on as the
sixteen teams are whittled down to one champion. So a lot hinges on
who is in a group since only two will survive it. Having this second
pot for the remaining teams that qualified keeps things a little
more fair and makes sure each group has at least two good teams.
The next victim is Japan. He quietly steps onstage
for his draw.
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Japan's the next to draw. He's
getting better and better, even though he ran into a
brick wall in the 2006 Cup. |
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Uh... says here he was up against
you. |
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Heh heh. Told you I can scrap it up
with these guys. It also shows how important these draws
are, in case you're put up against someone like me. |
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Also says here you needed a
last-second comeback. Japan was in control for most of
the game. |
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Well... hey, he's picking! |
Japan silently reaches into the pot, draws a ball
and silently hands it to Germany. Germany looks at it and calls out
Group B.
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Japan draws Group B, putting him up
against Holland, one of the tournament favorites. |
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Holland has the highest rank of
everyone here. Other than the host, he's probably the
last guy you want to get teamed up with. |
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Yeah, Holland's reached the knockout
stage in each of the last six World Cups he's qualified
for. Hope Japan has better luck with the other two teams
in Group B. |
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Switzerland's next. |
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Ah yes, Switzerland. Didn't allow a
single goal in 2006. |
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Wait... then how'd he get beat? |
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Penalty kicks in the first knockout
round. |
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...I hate this game. |
Switzerland's not sociable enough for this sort of
thing. He glares at everybody staring back at him, grabs a ball from
the pot and hands it to Germany, heading back to his seat before
hearing his assignment to Group F. The crowd cheers, surprising him.
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What?! What's that mean? |
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Hi, Switzerland! We get to beat each
other up! |
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Aw, dammit. How'd I get stuck with
you? |
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You grabbed my ball. |
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Don't phrase it like that!! |
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Next- Ukraine! |
She is a little bashful about holding such a high
rank, but Ukraine steps up on stage, leans in and reaches for a
ball.
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It's um... H. |
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Group H for Ukraine. She'll be up
with America. |
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Well, I know who I'm cheering for. |
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She may not look like it, but she's
surprisingly good. She bounced over a lot of people to
get ranked this high and reached the final eight in
2006. |
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Bounced, huh? I hear that's how she
rolls. |
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*pleased* Gonna be that way,
huh? It's going to be fun working with ya, Cub'. |
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It won't be if you keep calling me
Cub'. |
The final 2006 World Cup participant in the
building... Korea! He runs onstage.
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All right! Who do I get to beat this
time?! |
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Hey, is Korea that big a threat? |
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Well... it's hard to say. He's ranked worst
out of all the teams that were in the 2006 tournament...
and seven that weren't. You'd think he'd be the one from
this pool everybody wants to be matched up with. |
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But? |
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Well, he finished fourth overall in
2002 and gave France absolute hell in 2006. I wouldn't
want to be stuck with him. |
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Group C! I look forward to beating
you, Mr. England! |
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*slapping forehead* Oh, bloody
hell. |
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The final three in the pool are the
highest-ranked nations that did not qualify for the 2006
tournament. We begin with Denmark! |
Denmark is excited as he rushes onto the stage,
grins at the crowd and pulls out a ball.
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Well, here goes. Denmark may not have
qualified, but he's almost as skilled as the top seeds.
Nobody in their right mind would want to have him in
their group! Who's the unlucky one tonight? |
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Group E! |
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It'll be France! He's up there with
Holland as one of the top teams, but this will make the
road to victory that much harder for him. Can't imagine
what's going through his head. |
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*blows Denmark a kiss* |
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...uh, right. |
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Funny, that's exactly how I imagined
France reacting. |
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Anyway, next up will be Turkey. |
With his mask on, of course, Turkey leaps onto the
stage without using the stairs and smiles at the crowd. He reaches
into the pot and holds his arm in there for quite a long time
(especially considering there are only two balls left). Finally he
pulls one out.
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It's Group D! |
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Group D it is for Turkey, matching
him up against Spain. He can be about as scary as
Denmark when he's on his game. Should be fun. |
In fact, Turkey and Spain are already eying each
other and pointing, both with eager smiles on their faces. They just
want to play, and if exaggerating a rivalry makes it more fun,
they're down with that.
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It's definitely shaping up to be the
liveliest group so far. Should be fun. |
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And with one ball left, the final
team in the pool... Greece. Can someone wake him up? |
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Oh uh... hey Germany? You're up there
already. You can pick for me. There's only one left
anyway, right? |
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Yes, but... |
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Thanks. |
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*relents and hesitantly draws from
the pot* Greece draws Group A. |
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Aw, you stuck me with Germany. Why'd
you do that? |
Germany shakes his head and returns the balls to the pool, adding
another set in the process. During this brief intermission,
Australia and Cuba kill time.
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So what are we supposed to make of
this so far? |
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It's hard to say at this point. A
couple of 'em got off with a pretty lucky draw, like
Ukraine. She'd have a lot more trouble against Holland
or England than she would against America. Meanwhile, France vs.
Denmark and Spain vs. Turkey should be a doozy. |
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Suppose a lot of it hinges on the
last sixteen coming up. |
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Oh, you got that right. Even though
they're technically the underdogs, a lot of them can
still cause havoc in the groups. Don't be surprised if a
few of them advance. Point is, this is where things get
testy. |
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For the final pot, the sixteen
remaining countries will draw in alphabetical order,
starting with Austria. |
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And here's a prime example. Austria
isn't as strong athletically as the other European
powers, but he spars well with them anyway. He's not one
to give up easily, that's for sure. |
Austria reaches into the now crowded bowl and
retrieves a ball, stoically handing it to Germany.
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Austria is in Group C! |
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Group C for Austria, matching him up
with England and Korea! |
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You said Korea was ranked pretty low
for a Cup qualifier. Where's Austria fit into that? |
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Austria's just a smidge below Korea
in the rankings, so that group will be fun to watch. He
doesn't look the part, but you can't take him lightly.
One slip-up and he'll catch it and capitalize. |
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Belarus! |
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Germany's not wasting any time.
Belarus is the next to draw. |
She ambles up slowly, glaring at the crowd. When
Lithuania makes the mistake of cheering her on, she points her knife
at him.
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Hey, Australia... is that a knife? |
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Yes, that is definitely a knife,
Cuba. And no, I don't have a bigger one stashed
somewhere. Hope she doesn't pull that out during one of
her games. |
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Yeah, this isn't Australian football. |
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'Atsa good idea. I'm always looking
for ways to make it even more violent. Anyway, she's
drawing. |
Belarus draws with her free hand and hands the
ball to a very nervous Germany.
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Put me with Brother. |
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Um... *reads ball* Group H! |
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This causes a hush, followed by a
large cheer from the seats. Belarus instinctively starts
jabbing air with her knife. |
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Wow! Time will tell if she actually
ends up with Russia, but for now, she's a threat to her
other sibling Ukraine and Russia's rival America! |
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Now I'm hoping she brings her knife
to the game. She does have a way about her, I'll give
her that much. Good looking too. |
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She's not one of the stronger
players, but don't say that to her face. You know you
won't be able to let up against her. |
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Next on the list is Belgium. And she
is one of the strongest in the general pool, so
everyone's hoping she doesn't end up with them. |
Belgium strolls up confidently and draws a ball.
She glances at it, then cheats and turns around to see who she's in.
She is elated.
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Group B... oh, yes! |
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No way! |
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*taking the ball* Group B for
Belgium! |
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Two sibling rivalries in a row as
Belgium is drawn in with her brother Holland! |
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Not too many of these guys would want
to be matched up with Holland, but you know Belgium's
itching for the chance to take him down a notch. |
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Oy, I'd hate to be the fourth team in
that group! |
Everyone's excited about the Holland/Belgium
development. Belgium is grinning at him and pointing, while he stares
back undeterred. It's all so captivating that nobody notices the
next country drawing. Which isn't unusual for him.
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Excuse me... I'm going to draw now. |
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Well, I suppose we need to get moving
along. Canada's up next. The place is just buzzing right
now after Belarus and Belgium's draw. What are the odds
that Canada will pick Group H and end up playing his
brother, America? |
A good point. The place quiets to a hush as Canada
draws. All eyes are on him. The sibling trifecta is in play!
...or not. Canada is saddened by his pick.
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I'm in Group B too. |
Yes, Canada is also with Holland and Belgium.
Everybody murmurs in disappointment about how that's a waste
of a good space and how good the group could have been. Canada
slumps his shoulders and returns to his seat.
Running through all of the remaining twelve nations
would take forever, so we skip ahead to the end.
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Down to the last country on the
roster and it'll be Russia who draws the final ball. |
Russia steps up. Everybody is still paying
attention somehow.
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It's actually a good thing that
Russia's up there last. Normally, this would be pretty
dull as only one ball's left. For most countries, ending
in Group A with Germany, Greece and Hungary would be a
foregone conclusion. But this is Russia we're talking
about, so everyone's pretty anxious, just in case he
pulls out a ball with a Q on it or something. |
He draws. Thankfully, it has an A. He happily hands it to
Germany and returns to his seat. Everyone sighs in relief.
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Group A it is! Russia's got some real
strength in him, and Hungary's a worthy underdog. This
could be our Group of Death. |
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It's got Russia in it. Is there any
doubt? |
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True. Let's take a look at the final
groups. |
Here they are, all 32 participants separated
into the 8 groups:
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